I’m the Last Born Child: Life of the Party

thSHBZX11C hahahadesigns.comI’m the baby. By the time I came along, the parental unit had been parents for a lonnnnng time. They don’t pay attention to my every move or milestone like they did with my brother and sister.

My oldest brother says, “You get away with murder. Mom and Dad are so lenient with you.”

My middle sister complains, “That’s not fair. He’s so spoiled. How come he gets away with everything?”

More Freedom. Secretly, they let me get away with too much. I have more freedom than my siblings. I’m used to having freedom to follow my own creative path. To keep others entertained and my parents off my back, I’ve learned how to play the crowd with charm and likability. Sometimes I just make a cute face and my dad forgets I was supposed to do a chore and slips me a five.

Won’t Take No. I expect good things in life. I’m what my dad calls a great optimist. I’m persistent. I can outlast my siblings and wear my parents down eventually. I won’t take no for an answer, but sometimes I get out of hand and become too overbearing.

Others Do My Work. I don’t have many responsibilities. I’m really good at getting others to do things for me. It’s so easy I don’t know why my siblings don’t do it. I just act like I’m helpless and my parents make someone else do my chores. I look pathetic and people just rush to my aid. It’s pretty cool.

I don’t really need to take much effort to do stuff on my own. My mom hopes someday I’ll marry someone responsible. But, hey, why move out when I’ve got it so good here?

Social and Suave. I have a lot of influence on my family. They support me. So I feel I belong; I feel secure. I’m a people-person. I work well one-on-one or with small groups. I love social settings and events. I can read others, so sometimes I don’t even bother listening to what they have to say. I’m easy-going, caring and a genuinely loveable person.

School…You should see me at school. When I’m bored, I do something to get the teacher off track. Sometimes the teacher even forgets to give us homework. I’m really popular when that happens. My love for the limelight sometimes steps over into self-centeredness though.

Since I’m the last child, my mom wants me to be her baby forever. You should see how many pictures I have. I just look cute and out comes the camera.

My Future Job. When I grow up I really don’t want to have a regular job. If I have to work I’ll probably be an actor, a magician, or movie director. I’m a really good entertainer. Maybe I’ll be a standup comedian and have my own TV show.

I’m going to go practice some of my new jokes, in case I do have to get a real job some day.

 

Sources:

1. Does Birth Order Really Matter? Sue Flanagan,WVU Extension Agent, Berkeley County, Patty Morrison, WVU Extension Agent, Wirt County, Extension Service, West Virginia University, 2007. www.wvu.edu/~exten/infores/pubs/fypubs/WLG_237%20Birth%20Order%20…Accessed 10/10/2014.

2. The Birth Order Book: Why You Are the Way You Are, Dr. Kevin Leman, Revell, 1998.

3. Birth Order Characteristics: Does birth order determine personality? Karen Frazier kids.lovetoknow.com. Accessed 10/10/2014.

 

Request & Prayer at the Library

[www.freeimages.com] public-library-bangalore-862981-mI’m scanning the community event posters at the public library, especially the Christmas events. I hear a tentative voice, “Excuse me.” I step away from the copy machine expecting to find someone waiting to make copies.

“Can you help me?” a middle aged woman asks.

“What kind of help do you need?”

“I need some Christmas help. I’ve been off drugs for four months. I want my daughter to have a Christmas. She deserves it.”

During our conversation she reveals her struggles with drug addiction all the while neglecting her teenage daughter. At 18, her daughter’s the mother of a two-year-old girl and one-month-old boy. She cries several times sharing her story. I give her a couple of contacts and explain that if she emails me or texts me her information I’ll try and find her some help.

Sensing the conversation coming to a close, I’m prompted to ask, “Would you mind if I prayed with you?”

Tears fill her eyes. She nods her head and bows with me. Still near the copy machine, I pray. She cries more when I add, “Lord, help her to forgive herself.” She hugs me like a long-lost friend.

Many of my divine encounters seem to end when I walk away. But this one doesn’t. I hear from her later that day.

If you can help provide clothes (size 2T girls & 3-6 month boys), toys, or groceries for this young family, please message me or email me at drmarian@fromdiaperstodiamonds.com. I’ve already gathered a few clothing items for the little ones. If you know of a church or organization in the Modesto area that still needs families for a food basket, let me know.

 

Parenting Advice From a Middle Born Child

I’m betwixt and between. Sometimes I’m lost in a crowd. Sometimes I’m kind of popular. Other [www.stockpholio.com] hand-prints-779426-s Hemdalltimes I feel left out. Do you know that there are fewer research studies on middle kids than on the oldest and babies?

Another Baby? When I arrived, I was immediately the younger sibling. Just when I was getting used to that you told us, “We’re having another baby!” What’s with that?

When my oldest brother puts me down, please say something to him. Make him stop being so mean to me. He gets mad because he used to be the only child, but now he has to share. Can you talk to him about that too?

Involve Me. But I do enjoy it when you involve me in some of his activities. Like when I got to collect leaves for his science project. That was fun.

My Feelings. Don’t assume that everything’s fine just because you don’t hear me complain. I don’t really feel like you’ll listen so I hold my emotions inside. I hate to admit it, but I need more emotional support. Ask me about my feelings. Help me understand why I’m jealous of my siblings. When you hear me talking trash about myself, teach me how to express my feelings constructively.

Life’s Not Fair. I’m usually confused about who I am. I go back and forth from tying to be grown-up and good like my older sibling and trying to act helpless and cute like the baby. Life’s not fair – I don’t get away with everything like the baby. I don’t get the privileges my older brother gets. When he has a friend over, can I invite a friend too?

Things I’m Good At. I like it when you treat me with care and respect. You let me try different things, like piano lessons, soccer and art classes, so I could find my own interests. I’m glad you help me find activities that I’m really good at. When you say nice things about me and the things I do well, like my soccer and crafts, I feel proud of myself. I feel even better when you say it in front of others.

Academics? Do you know that middle born children like me are the lowest achievers academically and least likely to go on to university? I want to go to college some day. Sometimes I feel like I’m not good as good as my oldest brother so I don’t even try. When you compare my academic skills to his, I think I won’t make it because he’s super smart. I feel worse when you go on and on about all his success.

Make Me… Ask for my opinion sometimes. Make the time to listen to my answers or explanations. I need to learn to think independently. To avoid failure, sometimes I don’t stick with anything very long. Make me to finish what I start. Like make me finish my craft project before you buy me new supplies.

I Want to Feel Important. Help me feel special. Set aside time for the two of us to talk without the other kids around. Spend time with me in different ways than the other kids, like when you watch my soccer practice.

When you make a big fuss over my soccer games and the whole family cheers me on, I feel important. It would be great if I had a special routine with you that the other kids don’t have.

Oh, be sure the family photo album has its share of MY pictures in it, especially some photos that are just of me.

Sources:

1. Birth Order and You: Discover how your sex and position in the family affects your personality, career, relationships and parenting. Dr. Ronald W. Richardson, Lois A. Richardson, Self-Counsel Press, 2nd edition, 2000; 2004, pp. 137-139; 152. Canada.

2. Birth Order Blues: How Parent Can Help their Children Meet the Challenges of Birth Order, Meri Wallace, MSW, An Owl Book, Henry Holt and Company, NY, 1999, pp. 51- 54; 61; 66

3. The Birth Order Book: Why You Are the Way You Are, Dr. Kevin Leman, Revell, 1998, pp. 319-320.

 

 

I’m the Middle Born Child: The Peacemaker

by Dr. Marian Fritzemeier, Ed.D. ©2014clipart panda labeled for reuse 10 28 2014

I’m a Middle born girl. I like being a bit mysterious. When I arrived on the scene, my parents already had a perfect little boy. I watch him all the time. I wish I could do everything he can do.

Sometimes he plays with me and teaches me new things. But sometimes he complains, “Mom, Shannon’s bugging me. Make her leave me alone.” Then the fun is over.

Competitive. When he’s like that, I try and remember things I can do that he can’t. I’m very competitive. He’s such a goody two-shoes, especially in school, but I’m good at sports. Not just one sport, but several sports. I like wearing sweatshirts from my favorite teams with my jeans.

Secretly, sometimes I feel like I’m not good enough. So I don’t even try. I’m afraid I won’t do as well as my older brother.

Being Opposite. Mom says that the personality trait that defines me is to be opposite of my older brother. She calls it the “branching off effect.” She’s a college professor and she uses these big words all the time, like she thinks I understand her. She goes on and on.

“Middle borns are most directly influenced by the child older than them. The child looks at the older child, sizes up the older sibling, and patterns his life according to what he sees. Then often shoots off in another direction.”

I just want to shoot my Velcro arrows at the cat. My perfect older brother would never dare do like they’re paying attention to me for a change.

Nothing’s Fair. I’m pretty concerned about fairness, because nothing’s fair around here. I have to go to bed earlier. I have to share. I have to clean up after my youngest brother. On top of that, I get the least amount of attention from you.

Sometimes I act as the peacemaker in my family, especially between my older brother and my youngest brother. I like people to get along. I’m good at seeing both side of an issue.

Where Do I Fit? I feel like I fit in better with others outside my home. So I just create my own little family. When I make friends, I tend to keep them. I like being a peacemaker and helping people work things out. My friends like that I’m understanding, cooperative, and flexible. They always pay attention to me. They make me feel like I belong.

Dad says, “Honey, you’ll probably be a late bloomer and have a power career where you can use your negotiating skills. You’ll be prepared to become an entrepreneur or a diplomat.”

I’m not sure yet what that all means, but it sounds good when he says it. He likes using big words too even though he’s not a professor. I hope I won’t ever talk like that. Well, I gotta go. My friends are waiting for me to play soccer.

Sources:

1. Does Birth Order Really Matter? Sue Flanagan,WVU Extension Agent, Berkeley County, Patty Morrison, WVU Extension Agent, Wirt County, Extension Service, West Virginia University, 2007. www.wvu.edu/~exten/infores/pubs/fypubs/WLG_237%20Birth%20Order%20… Accessed 10/10/2014.

2. Birth Order Characteristics: Does birth order determine personality? Karen Frazier kids.lovetoknow.com??›??› Accessed 10/10/2014.

3. The Birth Order Book: Why You Are the Way You Are, Dr. Kevin Leman, Revell, 1998, pp. 150-152; 165.

Parenting Advice From a First Born Child

by Dr. Marian Fritzemeier, Ed.D.©2014[www.stockpholio.com]-5782319154_4 Handful of Love

As the first born child, I have some advice on how to parent me. You see, some of the things you do make my life more challenging, while others help me become a better person. Let me explain.

Need to Achieve. You pay close attention to everything that happens. I know you’re proud of everything I do and frightened by every potential injury at the same time. My need for high achievement tends to make me tense, more serious, more reserved, and less playful. You see me as a reflection of yourselves, so you push me to excel. I need you to put less pressure on me to succeed. I already do that to myself.

Normal or Not? I know you’re anxious about every new milestone. You’re worried I won’t be “normal.” But even if something takes me longer, I’m fine. When you talk with me and help me come up with ideas, I feel better about myself. Don’t focus on my growing up and miss what I’m doing today. Let me be a kid, and encourage me to play.

Love Who I Am. I want to know that you love me and approve of me just because I’m your child, not because I’m so responsible and a leader. I like it when you admit your mistakes. It helps me feel less pressure to be perfect. I know you’re busy but I like it best when both of you spend time with just me.

My Cover-Up. I wish you wouldn’t criticize my accomplishments. What’s wrong with 95%? I appear confident, but secretly, I’m extremely sensitive to correction and criticism. Don’t improve on what I do. I know sometimes you re-do my projects after I go to bed because they aren’t perfect. Try not to jump in to correct every word I say. Instead, reinforce that no one’s perfect.

Too Much. Sometimes I take on responsibility for other people’s problems since I have a hard time saying no. I don’t want to disappoint people, so I over commit myself. It’s hard for me to ask for help and I have trouble trusting others. If you offer help, sometimes I might accept it. Teach me how to accept life’s activities.

More Privileges. As the oldest, I should get some special privileges. I’d like to get a bigger allowance and stay out later. I have more chores than any of the other kids. How about giving them some of my chores? I did chores when I was their age, remember? I don’t mind being the babysitter once in awhile, but I like it when you remember in advance to get a babysitter.

Be Patient. How come I get in trouble more often than my siblings? It seems like you’re more impatient with me and expect more from me, like when you say, “You should know better.”

I know you feel pressure to be the best parent for me. But try to relax. I need someone to show me how to take it easy. I’m still just a kid. I’m learning too. Maybe we can learn together.

Sources:

1. The Birth Order Book: Why You Are the Way You Are, Dr. Kevin Leman, Revell, 1998, pp. 287-288.

2. Birth Order & You: Discover how your sex and position in the family affects your personality, career, relationships and parenting. Dr. Ronald W. Richardson, Lois A. Richardson, Self-Counsel Press, 2nd edition, 2000; 2004. Canada, pp. 48-49, 50-51, 55-56.

I’m a First Born Child: The Achiever

What makes me tick? Mom and Dad. All that attention, the ‘ooh-ing’ and ‘ahh-ing’. I’m always in the430677990_2 I want to be the boss robotpolisher [www.StockPholio.com] spotlight. They photograph and video every little thing I do; then post it on face book.

I’m Overly…Because I’ve had so much attention from my parents, and I want to please them, I’m overly responsible, reliable, and well-behaved. The perfect child!

But all this stuff adds up to–PRESSURE. I want others to like me–my parents, teachers, my classmates. So I work really hard at everything I do like chores, school, & activities.

At School. I’m one of the best kids in my class. I’m a huge reader. I’m good at solving problems. I’m kind of picky though. I always try and do things right. If I can’t, I get angry and frustrated. Sometimes I just won’t do something because I’m afraid it won’t be perfect.

My Future. Because I’m good at details, I could be an editor, bookkeeper or accountant. But I like being in charge, you know, the boss. Maybe I’ll be a lawyer, a doctor, or own a company some day.

I’ve heard other people say I’m aggressive, but I call it being assertive. That’s a big word but like I told you, I’m really smart. If you want something done, ask me. I’ve got everything under control. I have to be on time, even early; everything’s scheduled. But I’m willing to make sacrifices to be successful.

Skills Galore. My dad says I’m a mover and a shaker, strong-willed, a high achiever, and a hard driver. I like it when he says that.

I’m actually a good leader in my youth group and school clubs I belong to. But sometimes that doesn’t work very well with my friends. I’m kind of a mini-parent, I like bossing my friends and siblings around. They don’t like it very much.

Dethroned. When baby number two arrived, I was no longer the king. All the attention, time and resources I had all to myself I had to share. It took me awhile to get used to all that sharing.

Two Types. The other day I heard there are actually two types of first born children. Not all first borns are like me. I’m the best type, of course. The other kind is also a leader, but in a quiet, behind the scenes way. They’re not showy or bossy like me. They make sure they pleassssse everyone.

My mom says they are more compliant than I am; they’re like nurturers and caregivers. I don’t know that much about that either, but maybe you do. I need to go finish my homework. I must keep the best grade in the class.

Compiled Story Sources:

1. Does Birth Order Really Matter? Sue Flanagan,WVU Extension Agent, Berkeley County, Patty Morrison, WVU Extension Agent, Wirt County, Extension Service, West Virginia University, 2007. www.wvu.edu/~exten/infores/pubs/fypubs/WLG_237%20Birth%20Order%20Accessed 10/10/2014.

2. The Birth Order Book: Why You Are the Way You Are, Dr. Kevin Leman, Revell, 1998, pp. 79; 80; 85; 87; 90.

 

3. Birth Order Characteristics: Does birth order determine personality? Karen Frazier kids.lovetoknow.com › … › Accessed 10/10/2014.

Why are my kids so different from one another?

by Dr. Marian Fritzemeier, Ed.D.©2014alfredadler.wikispaces.com Basic Principles 10 28 14

If you’re the parent of two or more children, perhaps you’ve wondered how children in the same family can be so dramatically different.

After all, they come from the same gene pool yet they have different personalities and interests. They’re brought up in the same environment, under a similar set of rules and family values. 1

 

How can siblings be so different?

Our daughters have same parents, the same last name (until they married), and are both girls. That’s pretty much the extent of their similarities.

While they may be born into the same family they are not born into the same position. They are born with a different Birth Order. Birth order refers to the chronological positions in the family.2  My husband, our first daughter and I are all the oldest or first born children in our families. Each birth order generally tends to view life differently.

Origins of Birth Order

The idea that being the oldest, middle or youngest child comes with some typical personality traits has been around since the 1920s.3  Austrian psychologist Alfred Adler began stressing the importance of birth order on personality and character.

Birth Order Theory

Adler’s theory and the views of several birth order experts since, boils down to this: Children in any given family each strive for their parents’ love, attention and resources. The bigger the family, the harder it is to do this. And depending on where a child falls in the family, he or she responds differently. 3

In Their Own Words

A few weeks ago I spoke on Birth Order & Parenting. I’ll be blogging about how oldest, middle, and last born children view life and suggestions they have for parenting them in the next few blogs. Stay tuned for a first born child’s view of life.

Sources:

1. The Achiever, the Peacemaker and the Life of the Party: How Birth Order Affects Personality, Dr. Gail Gross, Ph.D. Ed.D., Human Behavior and Education Expert, Speaker, & Author. Posted: 12/23/2013, Updated: 02/22/2014 http://www.huffingtonpost.com/news/birth-order/ Accessed 10/10/2014.

2. Does Birth Order Really Matter? Sue Flanagan, WVU Extension Agent, Berkeley County, Patty Morrison, WVU Extension Agent, Wirt County, Extension Service, West Virginia University, 2007. www.wvu.edu/~exten/infores/pubs/fypubs/WLG Accessed 10/10/2014.

3. Birth Order: What It Means for Your Kids … and You, Janet Strassman Perlmutter, www.parenthood.com/article/birth_order_hat_it_means_for_your_kids_and_you.html. Accessed July 14, 2014.

 

 

“Alone in a Crowd” Hope Street: My Journey

by Dr. Marian Fritzemeier, Ed.D. ©2014[www.stockpholio.com] 7175511144_a Wheelchair

 

Note: Event Occurred in Fall 2007

I sit alone staring at the center piece. Christmas ornaments in fancy glass containers. Each center piece at over twenty tables is slightly different. Sitting alone is the last thing I expected.

Earlier today my daughters and I discussed tonight’s big event. “Mom, you know it’s going to be crowded. Dad’s expecting over 200 people. It will be pretty hard to push you around in the wheel chair.”

My other daughter adds, “We know you really want to see your friends. How about if we find a table where they can see you? Then they can come to you.”

At the time it made sense. But the plan isn’t working. I lift my eyes slightly to glance around the room again. Why do I keep doing this? I just feel worse. I see more people I know. Some I’ve known for over twenty years. Maybe they’re busy and will talk to me later.

My daughter serves me a delicious smelling turkey dinner and joins me.

“Mmmm, I love cranberry sauce. I hope there’s pumpkin pie for dessert,” I say.

“I’ll get you some when you’re ready. So, who did you get to talk to?”

Looking down at my plate, I mumble. “No one. No one’s come by…yet. Maybe later.”

“Oh mom. I know you were really looking forward to seeing your friends. Especially since you don’t get to Modesto often.”

Tears brim my eyes. One rolls down my cheek but not without my daughter’s notice. She leans towards me and gives me a hug. “I’ll stay and talk to you.”

“I’ll be okay. You have responsibilities. Just stop by later and bring me some pie …with whipping cream, of course.”

I flip through the program pretending to look interested. But I’m sad. One person did say hi when I arrived but quickly moved on. Where are my friends? Maybe they don’t know I’m here. But if I can see them, they can probably see me too.

Towards the end of the evening, one of my best friends sits next to me. “I’m sorry I didn’t get a chance to talk to you yet. I’ve been helping with the raffle tickets. So, how are you?”

Someone finally talks to me. I’m overwhelmed with emotions.

At home my husband comments, “I’m glad you got to come tonight. People were so happy to see you.”

Surprised I ask, “Really? How do you know that?”

“They told me. They asked how you’re doing.”

“No one talked to me. Well, two people did. Do you think it’s because I’m in a wheelchair?”

My husband quietly contemplates my question. “Oh Sweetie,” he replies while handing me a tissue. “Sometimes people don’t know what to say.”

“But that’s all they really have to say. ‘I’m so sorry; I don’t know what to say.'”

“I know, I know.” He comforts me, handing me several more tissues. “I know you’re really hurt. I’m sure sorry, Sweetie.”

Note: I was in a wheelchair periodical from October 2012 through January 2013. I collapsed often. My legs would just give out. Rick was regularly carrying me. The wheelchair made me safer when we were out & about.

 

“First Day of Appointments” Hope Street: My Journey

by Dr. Marian Fritzemeier, Ed.D. ©2014[www.stockpholio.com] 39024495_07 Hope Street DaveBleasdale

The previous blog ends, “Today God answers in a clear, calm, reassuring voice. ‘I’m here. I’m sending you to Stanford.’

Journal September 16, 2012. Lord, give me peace. I’m afraid I’ll have another bad experience. I’m afraid it will be bad news, although I believe You’ve been preparing me for it. It won’t make it much easier though.

First Stanford Hospital Appointment

Journal September 18, 2014. Lord, thanks for giving me peace today. I felt “off” today & took my medication in a.m., then during the trip. Every time there’s a bump in the road, I startle. And with California roads these days, it’s a lo-o-ong trip.

Rick & I like the doctors. The epilepsy neurologist is ordering an MRI. He says the machines need a level 3 to show epilepsy. Five years ago when I had an MRI, it was probably a 1.5 level. Then they’ll admit me to the hospital for 3-5 days, a week, maybe even 10 days, to record my brain activity. Finally!!!

It never made sense to me why no one’s ever done this. I ask my former doctor so many times, “Can’t you just hook me up to some kind of machine & see what happens to my brain when I have a fading spell?” He looks at me as if I am from outer space with the most outlandish idea he’s ever heard. But I keep asking.

Rick drove me to out-of-town medical appointments every three months for four years. Without much improvement from late 2007 to 2011, my appointments were discontinued. Now I’m back at Stanford.

Second Stanford Hospital Appointment

My next appointment today is with the sleep doctor. It is pretty straight forward: do another sleep study. It’s scheduled for October 30th unless there’s a cancellation.

Overall, my husband & I are pleased. Like Rick says, “It is hard to go over such a long medical history. How do you describe five years of symptoms that regularly change?” The doctors think I may have epilepsy, but probably non-epileptic seizures. I guess we may actually find out what I have.

Ignore Shocking Statements: Reducing Negative Peer Pressure

Ignore Me StockPholio.comClosely related to the parenting tip to help reduce negative peer pressure for school age children to suspend judgment, is to ignore shock value statements.

Ignore Shock Value Statements

Sometimes it feels like kids just want to push your buttons, but what they’re actually doing is figuring out what they believe. For example, a child who is raised in a church might say, “I don’t want to go to church anymore. I don’t think there’s really a God.” Your child is looking for your response. You are ignoring the shock value.

Overreacting?

Most parents tend to over react to shock value statements. “How can you say that after all we’ve taught you?” Instead, ask a question. Get their response, don’t give yours. A better response is, “Tell me what you’re thinking about.” Help the child reach his or her own conclusions. Eventually, children need to take on their own personal beliefs and values. Over reacting will only push them away.

Image Source: Ignore Me 4791133 [StockPholio.com]