Introduction – “I Can Do It:” Responsibilities for Young Children

[www.freeimages.com] deck-chair-2-356294-mAfter five years of living in rainy Eugene, Oregon my husband and I were thrilled about the weather change when his job transferred our family to sunny, southern California.

His new boss required that we lived in the same city as he did, so we rented a home in very expensive Orange County. Every home in this planned community had a mandatory membership to Lake Mission Viejo.

Our four year-old preschooler and six-year- old first grade daughters loved the weather too. Almost daily after school, the three of us traipsed to the sun drenched lake. Both girls carried their own plastic pink or purple tote for their beach towel and any other items they wanted, such as sand toys. They were entirely responsible for packing their bags and toting them to and from the car and lake.

“But what if she forgot her towel?” parents retort.

“Then she was wet. Or maybe her sister kindly shared her towel.”

But the girls quickly learned, just as your young children will learn. They are responsible for their items, not Mommy or Daddy. Teaching this lesson when the stakes are low is invaluable as they get older. I know one mom who still packs her daughter’s bag for basketball practice. The daughter is a senior. Who’s going to pack her bag at college?

Just as our daughters learned about personal responsibility, in my talk, “I Can Do It:” Responsibilities for Young Children on March 10, we’re going to cover giving preschoolers choices to learn decision making; developing preschooler’s thinking skills; fostering independence and initiative with chores; actually implementing the chores; countering the myth, “It’s easier to do it myself”; ensuring success while making chores fun; and ages for responsibilities.

 

Image Source: deck-chair-2-356294-m [freeimages.com]

Common Questions Parents Ask About Childhood Friendships, Part 2

What can happen if my child doesn’t have friends?

Potential consequences of a childhood spent alone can include being isolated, victimized by peers, or confused about why he/she doesn’t have friends. It can also result in problems adjusting to life and possible engagement with deviant behaviors.

What are some of the adult problems that can be avoided by learning to develop meaningful friendships as a child, and how are these childhood habits and adult issues related?

Unfortunately, the adult without social skills is often isolated, lonely, rejected, criticized by others, is not included in work-related activities, and can become the brunt of office jokes. Most adults know another adult who fits this description.

The Problem

Parents, relatives, coaches, teachers and other adults working with children without friends, did not serve these children well. Childhood habits and adult issues are closely related. If the skills are not “caught,” the skills need to be taught. Children, who don’t have social skills, will not just pick them up.

Be Proactive

Instead of ignoring and neglecting children who don’t exhibit basic social skills, adults can help prevent adult friendship challenges by teaching these skills to children. Educators now recognize that poor social skills will continue throughout adulthood unless the child is taught good skills.

Start Help Early

Early intervention can help children prior to entering kindergarten. Most states provide early intervention for toddlers and preschoolers who exhibit deficits in social and/or emotional development. Many elementary schools offer social skills groups for children so children can learn these skills. Children who lack social skills are being helped tremendously by being identified and taught basic interaction skills. Developing these critical skills will mean that fewer adults will experience adulthood without friends.

 

Image Source: friends-and-family-902545-m [freeimages.com]

 

 

Common Questions Parents Ask About Childhood Friendships, Pt. 1

It is important for children to have solid friendships because it offers them a greater sense of well-being, better self-esteem, makes school more fun, and results in fewer problems as adults.

How can parents help their child choose friends?

Parents can help children choose the right kinds of friends by modeling appropriate social skills. They can provide a variety of opportunities to play and socialize with other children and get to know their child’s friends. Observe your child’s skills and provide appropriate feedback through casual conversations. Parents can affirm positive skills and build additional skills by role playing with the child.

What if my child is shy?

Parents with an introverted child need to accept their child’s social style. However, there are ways they can help their child learn to make friends. Bring an ice-breaker with you, such as a toy or pet, to help draw kids to your child while visiting a park or other activities. Get your child involved in an activity, small group, or club with other children who have similar interests.

Why is it important for parents to accept their child’s introverted personality and not try to change them or push them to be more outgoing?

Years ago it was believed that children develop a temperament by age three, but children are born with an individual temperament. Some will be naturally outgoing and noisy, while others may be quiet and reserved. Not only does a parent need to consider the child’s temperament, but the child’s activity level. Often quieter children are less active than their boisterous counterparts.

Parents who push their children to become someone they are not increase the children’s stress levels. As children get older, they might begin to question whether their parents want them to be more like them or a sibling.

What are some of the positive friendship skills that parents should affirm and/or teach in their child and what are the best ways to do this?

Role modeling is significant. How parents interact with their children and their children’s friends helps the child learn positive friendship skills. For example, if friends come over, the parent may suggest, “Emily, maybe your friends would like a snack. I can help you.” Over time, offering a snack to friends becomes automatic for your child.

Friendship skills include how to join in with a group already playing, listening and communicating with their friends, demonstrating manners, including others in play, using kind words, letting others have a chance to choose the next game or activity, expressing compassion and empathy, and the delicate dance of give and take.

What if, in observing a play date, a parent notices that another child is not exhibiting positive skills? Should they interfere? If so, what is the best way to do so?

If you are the parent supervising a play date, address both children with a positive reminder. “Our friends like us to use our kind words instead of name calling.” Sitting with the children and interacting with them for a few minutes may also get them back on track.

When other parents are around, play dates can be tricky. Parents can teach children with verbal skills to say what they need. When parents don’t intervene in their child’s misbehavior, your child can stick up for him/herself. “Please stop throwing sand.” Or, “I don’t like it when you take my shovel.” This helps your child develop independence and communication skills.

If your child is younger or does not have the verbal and/or social skills to say what he/she needs, direct your conversation to your child. Again, a reminder often works. “Keep the sand in the sand box.” Often parents will follow your suggestion with their own child. If other parents allow their child to continue behaviors that are harmful to your child, find another area for your child to play. “We’re going home soon, so let’s play on the slide.”

What questions do you have about childhood friendships? I can address the questions in a future blog.

 

Image Source: Children_marbles [en.wikipedia.org]

 

 

“Roaming Minutes” Hope Street: My Journey

[www.stockpholio.com] 1370292 Telecommunication TowerResearch on playing background music while students work independently showed that students were more focused and worked quieter so one year I decided to try it. As a high school elective teacher, many of my classes had long-term projects.

Music and Fashion

This was especially true in my fashion & apparel class that followed lunch. The students actually concentrated better and weren’t as noisy when I played the music. The only CD exception was Swimming with the Dolphins. “Don’t play that one. It makes us want to go to the bathroom,” they’d say.

Behavior?

With that settled, there was one other exception: Shawna’s behavior. She could not stay in her seat. While other students worked diligently on their fashion projects, she’d get up and roam around the room. As a reminder to return to her seat I’d say, “Shawna, you’re roaming.”

Difference?

What perplexed me is that I had Shawna earlier in the day for marriage & family. She never exhibited this behavior. So what was the difference between second period and sixth period? Lunch? Not quite lunch, but Mountain Dew. She consumed a large soda with huge amounts of caffeine that affected her ability to sit.

Mountain Dew

Through discussions about Mountain Dew, encouragement to choose a less caffeinated beverage, and roaming, her classmates started saying, “Shawna, you’re using your roaming minutes.” It was all in good fun and well received. And we were all happy when she chose not to drink Mountain Dew.

Roaming Minutes

Recently I found myself thinking, “Marian, you’re using your roaming minutes.” Focus and staying on task are still some of my biggest challenges. Getting ready for the day can be difficult because it allows for so many roaming opportunities. If I go to the kitchen to put something away, I may think of several other things to do and totally forget I was getting ready. Or I may find myself standing somewhere staring. Who knows for how long? Eventually I’ll return to the bathroom…or maybe not.

Slow and Late

Most days this isn’t a problem. Unless I need to be somewhere at a specific time. Sunday I was getting ready for church. Not only was I using my roaming minutes, I was extremely slow. “Lord, please help me focus and move faster so I can get to church on time,” I prayed. Apparently the Lord wasn’t concerned with my timely arrival. It took me 30 minutes longer than usual to get ready. I was late, as I frequently am.

Must Be On Time

On days when I absolutely must be somewhere on time, like when I’m the speaker, my husband  hangs around in the morning and helps me stay on task. I’ve given him some cues that help. “Where are you supposed to be?” “You have ___ minutes left. How are you doing on your time line?” Without his help, I’m incapable of arriving at an earlier morning speaking engagement on time.

At My Desk

I’m pretty disciplined about getting to my desk to write. But then I’m afraid to get up…to eat, take a break, let the dog out, or any other reason, because I may forget to return to writing or return eighty minutes later. Sometimes timers and alarms help. But mostly this is a way of life.

Roaming With the Lord

Of course I’ve prayed and prayed about this. I have asked the Lord to help me focus, to totally heal me from the Functional Neurological Disorder and the many other symptoms I still have. But for now, it seems He’s more interested in using His roaming minutes with me. I need to go eat. I hope I remember to return to my writing.

 

Image Source: Telecommunication Tower 1370292 [stockpholio.com]

 

Parenting Advice From a Last Born

[www.stockpholio.com]-2404246023_4

Yes, I admit it; I do get disciplined the least. It causes lots of friction between me and the siblings. When you’re not around, they pressure me and tease me, saying, “Baby, baby, you are the baby. Gonna go cry to Mommy again?”

Too Many “Parents.” I “Get Set Straight” a lot. The siblings think they’re my second mother, like it’s their duty to tell on me. When they do, can you at least listen to my side of the story too? And don’t let the other kids dominate or tease me.

What Rules? Rules don’t mean much to me; they’re just meant for other people. I’m undisciplined in my personal life. I procrastinate all the time. Tonight is soon enough to start a school project due tomorrow. I’m late for some activities or I just don’t go. I need some help or I’m going to be dependent on others forever. I hate to admit it, but I need you to encourage me to be more independent, more thoughtful, and self-reliant.

How About Something New? Involve me in decision making. I want to choose which hand-me-downs I want to keep. I know we have a budget, but I like to get some new things once in awhile. But I want to pick my toys and clothes to buy, even if you don’t really like them.

Nothing I do is really new or original. Be sure you don’t make me compete with the older kids. Give me plenty of complements for my accomplishments, even minor ones.

I’m glad you started reading to me early with my siblings. My intellectual development is as important as my other endeavors. I might seek out expert advice but then I’ll argue against it.

Trouble at School. School has lots of challenges for me. The teachers are always calling you because I’m goofing off. Don’t let me get away with it. Quit running to school all the time. Don’t bring my homework or projects to school because I forget them. I’ll never learn to be responsible. Call my bluff; give me a choice. “Either you shape up at school or you’ll have to drop baseball.” I can’t believe I just suggested that.

Taking Advantage. “Ahh, you do it your way, you cute little guy,” can hold me back. The most damaging effect of permissiveness is making things too easy for me. I’ll take advantage. I’ll become too dependent and stay baby-like if I’m coddled too much.

My Fair Share. Don’t assume I’m too young to be useful. You really need to give me my fair share of household duties. I’ll complain and act helpless, but it’s best for me. Try not to do everything for me. Err on helping me stand on my own two feet or I won’t be prepared for life. Resist the temptation to hold on to me when you fear being left on your own.

I promise I’ll come visit you. And hey, can you try to get my baby book done before I turn 21?

 

Compiled Story Sources:

1. The Achiever, the Peacemaker and the Life of the Party: How Birth Order Affects Personality, Dr. Gail Gross, Ph.D. Ed.D., Human Behavior and Education Expert, Speaker, & Author. Posted: 12/23/2013, Updated: 02/22/2014 http://www.huffingtonpost.com/news/birth-order/

2. Birth Order Blues: How Parents Can Help Their Children Meet the Challenges of Birth Order, Meri Wallace, Owl Books, 1999.

3. The Birth Order Book: Why You Are the Way You Are, Dr. Kevin Leman, Revell, 1998.

4. Image: 2404246023_4 [stockpholio.com]

 

I’m the Last Born Child: Life of the Party

I’m the baby. By the time I came along, the parental unit had been parents for a lonnnnng time. They don’t pay attention to my every move or milestone like they did with my brother and sister.

My oldest brother says, “You get away with murder. Mom and Dad are so lenient with you.”

My middle sister complains, “That’s not fair. He’s so spoiled. How come he gets away with everything?”

More Freedom. Secretly, they let me get away with too much. I have more freedom than my siblings. I’m used to having freedom to follow my own creative path. To keep others entertained and my parents off my back, I’ve learned how to play the crowd with charm and likability. Sometimes I just make a cute face and my dad forgets I was supposed to do a chore and slips me a five.

Won’t Take No. I expect good things in life. I’m what my dad calls a great optimist. I’m persistent. I can outlast my siblings and wear my parents down eventually. I won’t take no for an answer, but sometimes I get out of hand and become too overbearing.

Others Do My Work. I don’t have many responsibilities. I’m really good at getting others to do things for me. It’s so easy I don’t know why my siblings don’t do it. I just act like I’m helpless and my parents make someone else do my chores. I look pathetic and people just rush to my aid. It’s pretty cool.

I don’t really need to take much effort to do stuff on my own. My mom hopes someday I’ll marry someone responsible. But, hey, why move out when I’ve got it so good here?

Social and Suave. I have a lot of influence on my family. They support me. So I feel I belong; I feel secure. I’m a people-person. I work well one-on-one or with small groups. I love social settings and events. I can read others, so sometimes I don’t even bother listening to what they have to say. I’m easy-going, caring and a genuinely loveable person.

School…You should see me at school. When I’m bored, I do something to get the teacher off track. Sometimes the teacher even forgets to give us homework. I’m really popular when that happens. My love for the limelight sometimes steps over into self-centeredness though.

Since I’m the last child, my mom wants me to be her baby forever. You should see how many pictures I have. I just look cute and out comes the camera.

My Future Job. When I grow up I really don’t want to have a regular job. If I have to work I’ll probably be an actor, a magician, or movie director. I’m a really good entertainer. Maybe I’ll be a standup comedian and have my own TV show.

I’m going to go practice some of my new jokes, in case I do have to get a real job some day.

 

Sources:

1. Does Birth Order Really Matter? Sue Flanagan,WVU Extension Agent, Berkeley County, Patty Morrison, WVU Extension Agent, Wirt County, Extension Service, West Virginia University, 2007. www.wvu.edu/~exten/infores/pubs/fypubs/WLG_237%20Birth%20Order%20…

2. The Birth Order Book: Why You Are the Way You Are, Dr. Kevin Leman, Revell, 1998.

3. Birth Order Characteristics: Does birth order determine personality? Karen Frazier kids.lovetoknow.com. 

4. Image: 3 siblings flufffster [Flickr.com]

 

Request & Prayer at the Library

I’m scanning the community event posters at the public library, especially the Christmas events. I hear a tentative voice, “Excuse me.” I step away from the copy machine expecting to find someone waiting to make copies.

“Can you help me?” a middle aged woman asks.

“What kind of help do you need?”

“I need some Christmas help. I’ve been off drugs for four months. I want my daughter to have a Christmas. She deserves it.”

During our conversation she reveals her struggles with drug addiction all the while neglecting her teenage daughter. At 18, her daughter’s the mother of a two-year-old girl and one-month-old boy. She cries several times sharing her story. I give her a couple of contacts and explain that if she emails me or texts me her information I’ll try and find her some help.

Sensing the conversation coming to a close, I’m prompted to ask, “Would you mind if I prayed with you?”

Tears fill her eyes. She nods her head and bows with me. Still near the copy machine, I pray. She cries more when I add, “Lord, help her to forgive herself.” She hugs me like a long-lost friend.

Many of my divine encounters seem to end when I walk away. But this one doesn’t. I hear from her later that day.

If you can help provide clothes (size 2T girls & 3-6 month boys), toys, or groceries for this young family, please message me or email me at drmarian@fromdiaperstodiamonds.com. I’ve already gathered a few clothing items for the little ones. If you know of a church or organization in the Modesto area that still needs families for a food basket, let me know.

 

Image Source: library door sign [freesvg.org]

 

Parenting Advice From a Middle Born Child

I’m betwixt and between. Sometimes I’m lost in a crowd. Sometimes I’m kind of popular. Other [www.stockpholio.com] hand-prints-779426-s Hemdalltimes I feel left out. Do you know that there are fewer research studies on middle kids than on the oldest and babies?

Another Baby? When I arrived, I was immediately the younger sibling. Just when I was getting used to that you told us, “We’re having another baby!” What’s with that?

When my oldest brother puts me down, please say something to him. Make him stop being so mean to me. He gets mad because he used to be the only child, but now he has to share. Can you talk to him about that too?

Involve Me. But I do enjoy it when you involve me in some of his activities. Like when I got to collect leaves for his science project. That was fun.

My Feelings. Don’t assume that everything’s fine just because you don’t hear me complain. I don’t really feel like you’ll listen so I hold my emotions inside. I hate to admit it, but I need more emotional support. Ask me about my feelings. Help me understand why I’m jealous of my siblings. When you hear me talking trash about myself, teach me how to express my feelings constructively.

Life’s Not Fair. I’m usually confused about who I am. I go back and forth from tying to be grown-up and good like my older sibling and trying to act helpless and cute like the baby. Life’s not fair – I don’t get away with everything like the baby. I don’t get the privileges my older brother gets. When he has a friend over, can I invite a friend too?

Things I’m Good At. I like it when you treat me with care and respect. You let me try different things, like piano lessons, soccer and art classes, so I could find my own interests. I’m glad you help me find activities that I’m really good at. When you say nice things about me and the things I do well, like my soccer and crafts, I feel proud of myself. I feel even better when you say it in front of others.

Academics? Do you know that middle born children like me are the lowest achievers academically and least likely to go on to university? I want to go to college some day. Sometimes I feel like I’m not good as good as my oldest brother so I don’t even try. When you compare my academic skills to his, I think I won’t make it because he’s super smart. I feel worse when you go on and on about all his success.

Make Me… Ask for my opinion sometimes. Make the time to listen to my answers or explanations. I need to learn to think independently. To avoid failure, sometimes I don’t stick with anything very long. Make me to finish what I start. Like make me finish my craft project before you buy me new supplies.

I Want to Feel Important. Help me feel special. Set aside time for the two of us to talk without the other kids around. Spend time with me in different ways than the other kids, like when you watch my soccer practice.

When you make a big fuss over my soccer games and the whole family cheers me on, I feel important. It would be great if I had a special routine with you that the other kids don’t have.

Oh, be sure the family photo album has its share of MY pictures in it, especially some photos that are just of me.

Sources:

1. Birth Order and You: Discover how your sex and position in the family affects your personality, career, relationships and parenting. Dr. Ronald W. Richardson, Lois A. Richardson, Self-Counsel Press, 2nd edition, 2000; 2004, pp. 137-139; 152. Canada.

2. Birth Order Blues: How Parent Can Help their Children Meet the Challenges of Birth Order, Meri Wallace, MSW, An Owl Book, Henry Holt and Company, NY, 1999, pp. 51- 54; 61; 66

3. The Birth Order Book: Why You Are the Way You Are, Dr. Kevin Leman, Revell, 1998, pp. 319-320.

4. Image: hand-prints-779426-s Hemdall [stockpholio.com]

 

 

I’m the Middle Born Child: The Peacemaker

I’m a Middle born girl. I like being a bit mysterious. When I arrived on the scene, my parents already had a perfect little boy. I watch him all the time. I wish I could do everything he can do.

Sometimes he plays with me and teaches me new things. But sometimes he complains, “Mom, Shannon’s bugging me. Make her leave me alone.” Then the fun is over.

Competitive. When he’s like that, I try and remember things I can do that he can’t. I’m very competitive. He’s such a goody two-shoes, especially in school, but I’m good at sports. Not just one sport, but several sports. I like wearing sweatshirts from my favorite teams with my jeans.

Secretly, sometimes I feel like I’m not good enough. So I don’t even try. I’m afraid I won’t do as well as my older brother.

Being Opposite. Mom says that the personality trait that defines me is to be opposite of my older brother. She calls it the “branching off effect.” She’s a college professor and she uses these big words all the time, like she thinks I understand her. She goes on and on.

“Middle borns are most directly influenced by the child older than them. The child looks at the older child, sizes up the older sibling, and patterns his life according to what he sees. Then often shoots off in another direction.”

I just want to shoot my Velcro arrows at the cat. My perfect older brother would never dare do like they’re paying attention to me for a change.

Nothing’s Fair. I’m pretty concerned about fairness, because nothing’s fair around here. I have to go to bed earlier. I have to share. I have to clean up after my youngest brother. On top of that, I get the least amount of attention from you.

Sometimes I act as the peacemaker in my family, especially between my older brother and my youngest brother. I like people to get along. I’m good at seeing both side of an issue.

Where Do I Fit? I feel like I fit in better with others outside my home. So I just create my own little family. When I make friends, I tend to keep them. I like being a peacemaker and helping people work things out. My friends like that I’m understanding, cooperative, and flexible. They always pay attention to me. They make me feel like I belong.

Dad says, “Honey, you’ll probably be a late bloomer and have a power career where you can use your negotiating skills. You’ll be prepared to become an entrepreneur or a diplomat.”

I’m not sure yet what that all means, but it sounds good when he says it. He likes using big words too even though he’s not a professor. I hope I won’t ever talk like that. Well, I gotta go. My friends are waiting for me to play soccer.

Sources:

1. Does Birth Order Really Matter? Sue Flanagan,WVU Extension Agent, Berkeley County, Patty Morrison, WVU Extension Agent, Wirt County, Extension Service, West Virginia University, 2007. www.wvu.edu/~exten/infores/pubs/fypubs/WLG_237%20Birth%20Order%20…

2. Birth Order Characteristics: Does birth order determine personality? Karen Frazier kids.lovetoknow.com??›??›

3. The Birth Order Book: Why You Are the Way You Are, Dr. Kevin Leman, Revell, 1998, pp. 150-152; 165.

4. Image: clipart panda labeled for reuse 10 28 2014

Parenting Advice From a First Born Child

As the first born child, I have some advice on how to parent me. You see, some of the things you do make my life more challenging, while others help me become a better person. Let me explain.

Need to Achieve. You pay close attention to everything that happens. I know you’re proud of everything I do and frightened by every potential injury at the same time. My need for high achievement tends to make me tense, more serious, more reserved, and less playful. You see me as a reflection of yourselves, so you push me to excel. I need you to put less pressure on me to succeed. I already do that to myself.

Normal or Not? I know you’re anxious about every new milestone. You’re worried I won’t be “normal.” But even if something takes me longer, I’m fine. When you talk with me and help me come up with ideas, I feel better about myself. Don’t focus on my growing up and miss what I’m doing today. Let me be a kid, and encourage me to play.

Love Who I Am. I want to know that you love me and approve of me just because I’m your child, not because I’m so responsible and a leader. I like it when you admit your mistakes. It helps me feel less pressure to be perfect. I know you’re busy but I like it best when both of you spend time with just me.

My Cover-Up. I wish you wouldn’t criticize my accomplishments. What’s wrong with 95%? I appear confident, but secretly, I’m extremely sensitive to correction and criticism. Don’t improve on what I do. I know sometimes you re-do my projects after I go to bed because they aren’t perfect. Try not to jump in to correct every word I say. Instead, reinforce that no one’s perfect.

Too Much. Sometimes I take on responsibility for other people’s problems since I have a hard time saying no. I don’t want to disappoint people, so I over commit myself. It’s hard for me to ask for help and I have trouble trusting others. If you offer help, sometimes I might accept it. Teach me how to accept life’s activities.

More Privileges. As the oldest, I should get some special privileges. I’d like to get a bigger allowance and stay out later. I have more chores than any of the other kids. How about giving them some of my chores? I did chores when I was their age, remember? I don’t mind being the babysitter once in awhile, but I like it when you remember in advance to get a babysitter.

Be Patient. How come I get in trouble more often than my siblings? It seems like you’re more impatient with me and expect more from me, like when you say, “You should know better.”

I know you feel pressure to be the best parent for me. But try to relax. I need someone to show me how to take it easy. I’m still just a kid. I’m learning too. Maybe we can learn together.

Sources:

1. The Birth Order Book: Why You Are the Way You Are, Dr. Kevin Leman, Revell, 1998, pp. 287-288.

2. Birth Order & You: Discover how your sex and position in the family affects your personality, career, relationships and parenting. Dr. Ronald W. Richardson, Lois A. Richardson, Self-Counsel Press, 2nd edition, 2000; 2004. Canada, pp. 48-49, 50-51, 55-56.