Avoid trying to change behavior by methods that may lead to loss of self-respect, such as shame.
Attack Bullying Aggression Blame Shame
“Shaming makes the child wrong for feeling, wanting or needing something,” says Robin Grille and Beth Macgregor, authors of “Good” Children – at What Price? The Secret Cost of Shame.(1)
Shame Defined
A painful emotion caused by consciousness of guilt, shortcoming, or impropriety; a condition of humiliating disgrace or disrepute. Synonyms: contriteness, contrition, guilt, penitence, regret, remorse, remorsefulness, repentance, rue, and self-reproach. (2) Messages which focus on “You always . . .” or “You never . . .” may be perceived by a child as attacking and critical. They tend to produce feelings of guilt and shame and can ultimately result in lowering a child’s self-esteem.
Incorrect Responses
- “You’re acting like such a baby.”
- “You’re such a naughty kid.”
- “Big boys don’t cry.”
- “This is the worst behaved class at lunch today.”
- “You’d lose your head if it weren’t glued on!”
Focus on Behavior
Eliminate destructive gestures, expressions, negative tone of voice, shameful words, negative labels, and unfriendly body language. “When caregivers focus on a student’s behavior, rather than on a student’s character, it preserves student’s integrity and offers positive guidance for learning.”(3) Help students find self-respect. “I believe in me.”
Incorrect and Correct Response
- Rather than “You should be ashamed you took Sam’s ball.”
- Say, “When you take the ball, it makes Sam angry.”
- Rather than: “You’re a naughty boy.”
- Say, “It’s not safe to climb on tables. Sit on the bench.”
What are ways you can avoid shaming your child?
Sources:
- Grille, Robin and Beth Macgregor, “Good” Children – at What Price? The Secret Cost of Shame, https://www.naturalchild.org/articles/robin_grille/good_children.html
- https://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/shame
- Guiding Children’s Behavior. Island Health. August 2014. https://www.islandhealth.ca/sites/default/files/2018-04/guiding-childrens-behaviour.pdf
- Image: Attack-Bullying-Aggression-Blame-Shame-2087867 [maxpixel.freegreatpicture.com]
make decisions helps develop maturity but be sure the decisions are within the limits of the children’s capacities and experience. Children should be able to participate, individually and collectively, in making decisions. Remember not to ask open ended choices that a child doesn’t really have any control over. For example, we don’t ask children if they want to wear a coat outside when it’s 30 degrees.
negative words so often that children tune us out. Almost anything you might tell a child “no” to, can easily be rephrased in a positive and encouraging way. Using the positive decreases the likelihood for children to respond with defensiveness or resistance.
Myth: The louder we speak, the greater chance of controlling behavior
When students (and adults) understand the reasons or rationale for limits, they are more likely to comply. They may not like it, but at least they understand the reason. Teaching students the “why” of a limit helps them internalize and learn the rules of social living.
strategies, part of 13 guidance strategies that work. The first strategy is establish clear, consistent and simple limits.
Before we look at what works with children or students, let’s look at what doesn’t work. What guidance strategies don’t work with children or students?
can also change us…those responsible for implementation. One Cohort 2, year 3 administrator tells his/her story.
students can by cynical about apologies. They may wonder what’s in it for them. Teacher Rosalind Wiseman says, “They witness ‘fake’ apologies amongst their peers and see adults who treat them disrespectfully, abuse their power and who would never think to apologize.”1 It’s not hard to realize how challenging it is to convince students that apologies are not just superficial gestures. “So, if we want to talk to them about the power of a genuine apology to transform relationships, we have to acknowledge and define fake apologies.”1