Another year passes. It’s now the 2013-2014 school year. I’ve now been off work for two very long years. I beg daily for God’s direction, but don’t hear from Him. It doesn’t help that my neurologist at Stanford keeps asking me, “What do you want to do?”
“What do you mean, ‘What do I want to do?’ I want to go back to work. But I can’t. I’m on permanent disability.'” I’m angry and tired of her unrealistic question.
One of the biggest challenges in overcoming my major life change is the constant focus on my symptoms. My deficits. What I can’t do. All 35 identified symptoms. Not only do medical experts continually document my deficiencies, I’m expected to document these daily as well.
Every week I maintain charts of symptoms and rate the degree to which they’ve affected me. I also check the skills I’ve applied. The hope is that the number and degree of symptoms will decrease showing that the skills I’m learning are helping me.
And then in the next breath the physician dares to state, “You need to focus on what you can do, not what you can’t do.” I wonder, How am I supposed to focus on what I can do when you require me to focus on what I can’t do? This medical deficit model isn’t working if you want my focus to be on what I can do.
Lord, I know you’re here with me, but your voice is silent. It’s been several years and I still have no direction from You. Lord, I’m still waiting.
Image source: symptom checker icons [thenounproject.com]